I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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