Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
