i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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