I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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