Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
