WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
