Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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