new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
