just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
