I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.