So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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