There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
