My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
