oh god the rape fog is back!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
