I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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