I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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