You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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