Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
