my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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