Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
