and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Barsexuality is the new black.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
