She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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