some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize