$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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