I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
