smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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