my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
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Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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