She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
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Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
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Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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