the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
