I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
