Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
