He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
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After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
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How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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