Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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