That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
