i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
