she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
