Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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