nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
