I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
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Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize