My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
