I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
