i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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