Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
