I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
