I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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