My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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