nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You can't motorboat a personality
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
