this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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