Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
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I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
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I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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