I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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