evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
