Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
