Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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